Feature Friday #1 - Monique Callender

One of the reasons I started UNMEASURED was to share women's stories. (I guess even mine, partly.)  

Feature Fridays are interviews with women around the world. We’ll discuss their lives, their passions, their projects, and more. There’s no particular angle or intended outcome to these interviews - although there is one question I’m asking everyone.

It was truly a gift to be able to interview Monique Callender and to share a little bit of her story here. And so it’s an appropriate time of year to share the first ever Feature Friday on UNMEASURED.

Monique Callender

The first time I had a call with Monique, in early 2022, she answered from a cafe in Paris. I instantly wanted us to be friends.

Monique Callender is an American living in Paris. She is many things and the one thing she is not is boring. She is creative. She is into astrology (Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, rising Scorpio). She believes in the power of anger. She is someone who defines her own identity, and whether or not she fits into “the boxes” we’re given as social guidelines is of no consequence.

When I connected with Monique for this interview the first thing we discussed was her new ink - a tattoo of the different phases of the moon across her wrist. It’s a beautiful design and I loved her attitude that seemed to come with it - having decided to go for the tattoo on a whim and also embracing what she considered a couple of imperfections with it.

Monique and I originally met in a group setting, online, through Anne Ditmeyer’s Mapping Your Path workshop.  Through the workshop Slack channel we found out we are both alums of the American University of Paris Global Communications Graduate Program - and we had both recently left “day jobs” to work independently.

Turns out we both also love Mondays.

During my conversation with Monique I loved her realness. Her energetic spirit, her perfectly red lipstick, and her ability to move between somewhat heavy topics - from growing up mixed race in Virginia, to women’s anger empowerment, to politics and freedom - with ease and grace. 

Ok that’s enough from me. Read the interview, and listen to audio clips from our conversation, below.

I believe you place an emphasis on community and I’m curious what it means to you. How have you built community in your life?

Community is really important to me, especially since I've moved abroad.

We all grow up with a built in community, in our neighborhoods. And I never really felt like a part of the community that I grew up in. I always was kind of like an outsider. And I don't know if that's because I’m mixed. Like, as a kid, I didn't really think about it in those terms. But as an adult, looking back, and recently I went back for Christmas last year, and I was like, I'm from here? It’s mostly a white neighborhood.

There were a few other black kids at my school, but I never really fully identified as one or the other, even though everybody always asked me which one I identified as more. I always rejected that. I'm both. I can be both, you know?

Monique and her mom Wendy

So when I moved away, I've always been trying to find people to build community with that were more like me that were more like, not one thing or the other. You can be multiple things at once. First I moved to Cali. Well, I moved to England first, but we’re not counting that. I guess I kind of had a community there. But I wasn't there for very long.

So I moved to California. And one of the reasons I wanted to move to California was because I had the impression, even from childhood, that California was a more open place where there would be more mixed people. And I was right.

Now, it's on me. If I want a community of people around, I need to build it for myself. So I do that by showing up. It's really that easy. Pick a spot and be there all the time. I have some cafes where I'm a regular. People know to find me there if they're looking for me. I meet lots of cool people in those places. And they know me, and it feels like the familiarity comes with time. That's how I’ve managed to build my communities, at least here in Paris.

Monique as a child. Back then she went by her first name, Shana. When a teacher asked for her preferred name in ninth grade, she took the opportunity to start going by her middle name Monique - and it stuck.

I appreciate what you shared about growing up. How do you feel about that now? Do you still feel like you have to identify one way or another, black or white?

Now that I'm an adult, I think people just assume that they know how I identify. They don't bother to ask. So if it ever comes up, I do make sure to let people know that I am mixed. Because most people will just see brown skin and assume you're black.

Or in my case, because of the skin tone, I could be a lot of different things. So sometimes people mistake me, especially living in Paris. They think I'm from Martinique, or maybe I'm Indian, or maybe I'm Moroccan or something like that.

I could be a lot of different things. Until I open my mouth, and then they know I'm American for sure. I say Bonjour, and they can tell from the accent.

I do try to make a point. Because I think that some people still think of the world as binary. Especially to Americans, race is such a supercharged thing right now. I mean, it always has been, but it's even more so now. So, you know, if I'm dealing with Americans, I usually make sure to specify.

But you just reminded me, it's so weird in the U.S. Part of the reason I moved out here is because here I'm an American first. Yeah, they can tell that I'm black. And they love black American culture out here. So, I'm even a little bit privileged here on the American scale.

When I went back to the U.S. last year for Christmas, I ended up getting COVID. And I was shocked because I had forgotten how much we as Americans take down racial demographic data. I went to a clinic or something. And they're like “are you White, Black, Native American, Hispanic.” And I was like, what the fuck is this? Why do I need to say if I'm black or white to go to the doctor? Because we don't do that here in France. And I've been here for six years. It blew my mind.

I got a speeding ticket before I moved to Paris in 2016. And the cop asked me at the time how I identified. I don't know if he was trying to be woke or sensitive or whatever. But it was such a weird moment for me. Like, bro, just give me my speeding ticket and let me live. You know, why do I have to mark down these boxes? What if I mark white? I did that in one scenario. I just like, white. If I have to pick one? What's the problem? And he thought I was really weird.

Now in a lot of instances, there is a box for mixed race, or one or more races. But growing up, there wasn't. I have a very vivid memory of being 10 years old. And we were taking a standardized test. And there was not more than one option. And I brought it up to my teacher. And she was like, well just pick one. And I was like, Well, I can't. And she was like, Okay, we'll just leave it blank. And, I did. Then like later, as an adult, I wondered did she go back in and just fill something in later because I was being difficult?

But, how do you force a child to choose between boxes, when there isn’t a box they identify with? I imagine that transgender people feel the same way. When they're asked, are they male or female. It's a little bit more complicated than that.

By the Seine in Paris.

PARIS. What brought you there? What keeps you there?

What brought me to Paris was a mixture of things, including a childhood dream. Timing. My education. I had wanted to move to Paris. When I was 10 (a lot of things happened when I was 10) I learned Monique is my middle name. I didn’t know that I even had a middle name but I saw my birth certificate. I was like, What is this name? I was super into the meaning of names at the time. I found out that the name was a French name. And that kind of started my obsession with France.

But it was a low key obsession, because I never really thought that I would actually have the opportunity to come here. And if I knew that, I would have done a whole lot of things differently. I would have learned French in high school instead of failing Spanish a bunch of times, you know what I mean?

But so it was that, but also, I was going to school at Santa Monica College. I had to transfer anyway, and I had just broken up with my boyfriend. So I was like, Well, you know, maybe now's the time to get the fuck out of the country and go explore. Because the U.S. will always be there. And I can always go back if I want to.

“Part of my drive to stay is my desire to not return to the U.S. It’s really much less about my love for Paris, it’s more about how much safer I feel out here.”

So I moved for school. I stayed because the original plan was just to finish my undergrad degree for two years, and then move back to California because I love California so much. And then “you know who” got elected a few months after I arrived. And I was like, I foresee things getting a lot worse in the US in the next four years. And so I changed my plan to stay and wouldn't you know, it was right, like so weird, you know, like, four years is that long, you know, like a lot can happen in four years.

So part of part of my drive to stay is my desire to not return to the US. But it's really way less about how much I love Paris. And way more about how much safer I feel out here. And how I feel like France takes care of its citizens a lot better. Although that's also changing.

People ask me all the time why I came here, and I'll be like I came for the Carte Vitale. And they'll laugh and I'll tell them I'm serious. Do you know about the state of health care in the U.S.? I think a lot of people just assume that because it's such a rich country, that they obviously have the same protections for people that all the other Western rich countries have. But yeah, they do not.

I just feel safer. Like nowhere is safe, but it's definitely safer here. Can we just mention the guns? Okay, yes - since 2015 they do often have military police roaming around touristy areas with huge guns. Which was really weird for me at first. But I do in general feel a lot safer. If I hear something that sounds like a gunshot, I'm pretty sure that it's not a gun.

There was a school shooting on SMC campus when I was there. It wasn't a big national news shooting. How many shootings do we have that there are some that don't even make the big national news? So I've been through that experience where there was gun shots and people were running for their lives, and I thought I could possibly die. And, I feel really good knowing that I don't have to go through that again.

Paintings by Monique

Painting, podcasting, writing. I’d love to hear about your creative life.

It's so funny, because I didn't really give myself enough creative credit before I moved here. But something about Paris really allows you to unlock the inner artist. I wasn't even writing before I moved. My first semester at AUP, I took a creative writing class for fun. And it really unlocked something in me. Getting that positive feedback about my stories - they were just ridiculous stories about guys that I met when I was traveling.

“Growing up in the U.S. you get this idea if you’re going to do something it has to be perfect or you have to be able to make money from it or it doesn’t count.”

In the summer, I took a painting class and it opened me up. I feel like so often, especially growing up in the U.S. you get this idea that if you're going to do something it has to be perfect or you have to be able to make money from it or it doesn't count. Like you're not an artist if you're not making money. Which is ridiculous, because most artists are not making money, but that doesn't mean that their art is worthless.

So once I understood that I could allow myself to paint for fun.

We also briefly discussed Monique’s podcast - you can check it out here.

Since COVID started, I've gotten really serious about my journaling. I also recently joined the London Writers Salon.

Something I noticed a few years ago, I was looking at some old journals from before I moved to Paris. And I constantly was saying how I needed to lose weight. And that I needed to do something, over a number of years.

I saw that and I was like, why am I writing this down over and over again? Do I need to lose weight? Is that something that I really need to be beating myself up about? I'm in great health. I can change my habits, but definitely need to stop beating myself up about it.

So I did chill and, it was so liberating to be able to let go of some of the body hang ups, you know, we all have them. What a powerful tool. That was good for me.

As far as writing, I'm honestly so obsessed with notebooks and pens. And now that I'm an adult I can do whatever I want with my money that I earn. Fuck it, I'm buying the expensive notebook. I'm buying the expensive pen. I swear it makes a difference. I got this fountain pen. I like the way it feels. I went ahead and invested 80 euros. Still pretty cheap for a fountain pen. But I'm not lying to you, the day that I got this pen I was on fire. I finished a journal in three weeks, it's a record for me.

It’s all about the right pen.

So I like having a bunch of cool supplies. And then whenever the feeling strikes, I can get creative.

Can you tell me a little more about the workshop you’re planning?

Basically, the idea is anger empowerment (over anger management). Because we're always trying to manage our anger. It's almost like we're just trying to sweep it away without fully feeling it. Especially for women, men have no problem expressing their anger. Or if they do, at least they're socially allowed to. But we're not.

I know quite a few women, my mom included, who say “I don't get mad.” That's impossible. Are you just not recognizing the situations when you should be angry? Because there are different types of anger. And one of them, the one that I feel the most, I think, is indignant anger. Like when you should be treated a certain way, but you're not.

But if you're taught that being treated a certain way is okay, then you might not get angry in a situation when you absolutely should be angry. That's basically the backbone of it - is recognizing situations to be angry in. And then also learning how to express your anger. Wrapping your mind around the fact that it's okay to express your anger. It's okay to get mad. It's okay to yell.

“It’s OK to disrupt the situation. It’s OK to not keep the peace all the time. Anger is a power emotion.”

It's okay to disrupt the situation. It's okay to not keep the peace all the time, actually. And it could be beneficial to you. Anger is a power emotion. So, quite often, if somebody gets angry, they're trying to bend things to their will or their way. And oftentimes, women don't feel comfortable doing that at all. Or they want to be angry, but in a nice way.

I’ve actually always been very angry. I remember that I wrote this poem in the sixth grade. And the poem was called “Pissed Off.” And it was all the things that pissed me off. My teacher was scandalized. She wouldn't let me finish the poem without saying “PO’d” instead of pissed off, which also pissed me off.

I was like I'm not saying anything bad here. I'm just talking about my anger. It's another way in which we're policed. Even our language, even if it's not a bad word, even just saying that we're pissed off as a young woman is taboo. So I do get angry about a good great deal of things. Sometimes they are things I can do something about and sometimes they're not. Obviously I get angry by the patriarchy and all these things that are holding us down that don't need to be that way. I'm all for female empowerment. You know, like, let's take our rightful place.

When I went home for Christmas last year, at the time, I didn't have any male friends. All my friends were women, most of them were even lesbians. And so I just was in a very safe, happy, fun bubble. And when I went back to my childhood home, being around my dad was such a shock. Because his energy was so different from what I'm used to. And it was right away, even on the drive to dinner after they picked me up from the airport. We were driving, and he got all upset about something. And it was so crazy.

The whole time I was home every time he would say or do something that bothered me, I would speak on it. Because you need to. And my mom would always be like, can you just not say anything? Can you just let him say whatever? And I was like, No I cannot. Maybe that's your coping mechanism to just be quiet and let him do whatever. But I literally cannot do that.

Because by staying silent, I am giving the okay for him to behave like that. And he needs to know that it's not okay to say that it's not okay to do that. None of this is okay. Like, this is dysfunction. And towards the end she started to get it a little bit. I was really proud of her. I heard her snap back on him one time, when I was in the other room.

People will test you. I pride myself a little bit on being able to continuously say no and be difficult even when my boundary is constantly being tested. Like I have to do with my dad and I have to do it with a lot of other men too. Because they will test you and they will try and wait for you to be vulnerable and then try to break down your boundary. Many people have told me that I'm a difficult or hard woman to deal with. And I wear that as a badge. I'm like, thank you.

If you’re interested in information on Monique’s upcoming Anger Empowerment workshop connect with her on LinkedIn or Instagram to stay in the loop.

I shouldn’t have saved this for the end because this was one question I really wanted to ask you. I want to talk about freedom. What does it mean to you? What are the moments you’ve felt free?

For me, freedom is being able to choose what you want. It's not necessarily not having any responsibilities, but being able to choose what responsibilities you want to have. Really, truly just the right to choose because in so many instances there is not a right to choose.

I think that's freedom to me. Because of where we live, I have a lot of freedoms that other people don't have. That I don't even think of as freedoms - the freedom to cut my hair or show my hair even, as you know what's going on in Iran right now.

But, moments where I honestly feel the most free? When I'm at the beach, like sipping on a fresh coconut. The wind blowing not too hard on trees nearby. Sun shining, the freedom to not wear a whole lot of clothes. Those are the moments that make me feel free. Riding my bike around like an empty street and just like being able to look around without like being on high alert. That feels like freedom to me - not having to be on high alert.

Not being rushed or pressured into something that I don't want is freedom to me. I'm still exploring the freedom front especially in terms of relationships. The freedom to say no. The freedom to give and revoke consent in a sexual relationship is like a really big thing that I'm still working on. It does feel freeing to know that no matter what is happening, you can stop it, you can stop and change your mind.

Can I stop and change my mind? Then I'm free. You know? I think a lot of us imprison ourselves with our thought patterns and beliefs that maybe were true at some point but they're not true now. But we hold on to it still. Like mental chains. But it's a paper chain, you know? You can break it really easily.

Do you have a favorite book, podcast, or other resource you recommend?

It’s the book that I'm basing my workshop on: Rage Becomes Her - The Power of Women's Anger. This book is so great. Everybody should read it. Because men need to understand these things, too. They always want to act like women are mystery. We're not, you just have to listen.