On Edge

Lake Merritt in Oakland, California - January 2023. It’s a naturally forming lake that is over 10,000 years old. Some of the unnatural things that have been found in the lake include various pieces of furniture, a dumpster, and a piano.

Walking the loop around Lake Merritt this afternoon, I felt a presence sneak up behind me (every woman’s favorite sensation when out walking alone). The person seemed to be moving fast - I could tell they were at least running if not on some kind of wheels. The path at this point was four or five feet wide, they could have easily gone around me. So I was slightly annoyed to have to move over but I’m midwestern so I did. Which gave me a clear view of the man who sped past me (he thanked me by the way, maybe he’s also midwestern) on a unicycle. He was not only on a unicycle but he was on a unicycle and purposely RIDING THE EDGE of the path around the lake, leaving mere inches between his fast-moving operation and the shallow swamp (at this particular edge of the lake) that was about a ten-foot drop down and to his right. 

This passing encounter with the unicyclist prompted a deluge of thoughts in quick succession. My first thought: what an amazing and stressful core workout. My second thought (and a feeling of relief): It’s not just me. Literally all of us are at least a little batshit crazy. My third thought: it’s really never enough is it? We can’t just walk around the lake, we have to run. We can’t just run, we need to be on wheels - roller skates, bikes, unicycles. We can’t just be on wheels, we have to teeter on the very edge of the perimeter all the way around.

The unicyclist - with presumably amazing abs - preoccupied my mind the rest of my (lame in comparison) WALK around the lake. More specifically the part about enoughness kept swirling around.

Last year I had the audacity to write a little about Santosha. The Sanskrit word for contentment and a concept that feels very very very far away from how I’ve been living lately. On reflection (something walks are good for - I can't see myself doing much reflection perched on a handle-less tire whether I’m cycling on the edge of a lake or not) this summer has been a long messy line of not-enoughness. 

I had high hopes for this summer. I wanted to have a SUMMER summer. Cookouts, beach time, popsicles. Moving slower and having fun. Without having kids or any affiliation to the school calendar it takes a conscious effort to make something of summer. Otherwise, it’s just another set of weeks and months where I work and exercise and drink water and go to the eye doctor and other adulting activities. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful to be able to do those things, but none fall under special summer fun in my book.

Maybe my hopes were too high, in any case, I didn’t make my summer dreams a reality. I unintentionally whipped up a spin cycle of not-enoughness instead, which was less fun. We didn’t exactly seize the days of summer when my husband, dog, and I got sick at various points at the start of the summer. It’s been like the least fun relay race where there’s been no winner and a lot of limping around - the finish line nowhere in sight for the furriest member of our household and his caretakers. My husband got over covid pretty quickly and I got over my summer cold fast but our sweet dog has been in a STATE all summer.

So there’s been the I’m not doing enough to take care of my sick dog. There’s been the I’m doing enough to be a good partner to my husband while we both try to work and go on with our lives while our dog literally can’t stop peeing. To clarify when I say my dog is sick, he had bladder surgery and now he is broken. He literally pees at least 30 times a day. It’s impossible to manage and has left our house rife with not enoughness on a few fronts.

This is not unique to summer but of course there’s also the not-enoughness of work. I’m not working enough, my work isn’t good enough. I don’t have enough of a future plan for my career or my business. I’m not taking on enough work.

There’s the general sense of I’m just not doing enough. I want to say this one is the patriarchy’s fault. This general phenomenon that gushes through America where most of us feel we’re not producing enough, we’re not contributing enough, we’re not making enough, we’re not perfect enough.

I have no idea if the unicyclist with amazing abs feels like he’s enough. I hope he does and that his stressful and amazing exercise routine brings him joy and is just another notch in his belt of enoughness. Maybe next time I’m at the lake we’ll meet again and he can share his secrets to life.

In the meantime I’ll keep going. Searching for Santosha or something like it. One of the antidotes it seems like we’ve been upsold on pretty heavily over the past decade is the idea of balance. It’s not our manic world that’s making us all at least a little batshit crazy. It’s that we need balance! One of the gifts of turning forty (+) is you can more easily detect bullshit and so I can confidently say that balance as the solution is B.S.

There’s no balance. The reality is something usually has to give. We didn’t make time today to be a good partner and life mate, but we killed it at work (or the other way around). We didn’t have time to make the perfect organic non PFAs non GMOs vegan high protein high fiber low bad fats high good fats low carbs but some complex carbs meal, but we got in a walk around the lake. Our dog peed in the laundry room for the 5,897,564th time but we remembered to give him all his meds and made his 400th vet appointment. 

If there is such a thing as balance, I believe it probably exists within us. It’s one of the reasons we practice yoga. It’s not to do the splits, or a headstand, or flying pigeon. It’s so we don’t lose our shit when someone cuts us off on 580 (which is going to happen). And yoga does help with that. Being able to balance our reactions to the world around us, to balance out the chaos outside with some steadiness inside. We practice uncomfortable positions to help us deal with the discomfort that is life.

In the outside world, something usually has to give. Perfect life balance is an illusion and that’s OK. None of us are perfect and that’s OK too. We are all running around at least a little batshit crazy, and the universe not only seems to tolerate each and every one of us - it seems to embrace us. Every once in a while amidst my giant pit of not-enoughness, I have a moment of awareness. Awareness of how I felt on any given day or moment, and maybe I felt like crap. But that’s OK. Awareness that life is chaotic and I didn’t do all the things or show up perfectly how I wanted to. And that’s OK. In those moments of awareness, maybe sixty seconds of acceptance - I don’t find all the answers. But I find a little peace. Which sometimes, is enough.